Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
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No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.