My guardian angel deserves a raise
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After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Whisper out to librarians!
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you