Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

Why is everyone getting married at me

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning