Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
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I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no