Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?