Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
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Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
181.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
How actors in movies eat their food
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag