Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
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Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Accurate
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Breaking news:
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby