The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.