Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
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If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Easy enough.
I think the cat got the dog high.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries