I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
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if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.