*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
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[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?