[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
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The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
are they though??
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]