I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
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being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????