A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
You Might Also Like
😂 amazing answer
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.