Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
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Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.