Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
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Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions