Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up![]()
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You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
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Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
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We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
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Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Imma just leave this here…………
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