Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
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Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.