Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
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All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
If you are reading this then you are reading this
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
me
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.