I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
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They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.