I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
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[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
me: my friends:
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.