Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
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Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
bro what is going on at twitter
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted