if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Why is no one talking about this?!
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*