Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
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Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad