11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
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me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Breaking news:
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box