[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
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I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already