Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
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How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes