An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
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horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz