Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
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The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either