I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
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HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]