“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
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I think my husband is beginning to suspect
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted