Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
You Might Also Like
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.