Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
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Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Cat.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
listen closely