My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
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Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
life finds a way
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
The prophecy is fulfilled
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name