Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
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I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
#Caturday
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.