“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
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you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend: