Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
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BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Stop sending me this shit.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO