I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
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Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.