*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
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I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia