acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
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What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Pigeon open mic night.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I feel it
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.