Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
You Might Also Like
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.