Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Watson was Holmes schooled
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand