“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
You Might Also Like
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”