Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
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[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.