Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
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Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
this has done me in for some reason
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I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.