Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
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Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Sunday
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
dogs can find happiness so easily
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.