This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
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My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*