A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
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*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –