If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
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[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
unbelievably distressed by this ad
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face