When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
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A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids