When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
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“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it