A level of petty I can get with 🤣
You Might Also Like
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.