@GeorgePointon_

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

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@Tobi_Is_Fab

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

@WickedRapunzel

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

@TheTweetOfGod

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

@Reverend_Scott

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

@slimmy_shady

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

@SteelCityDawn

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

@JohnLyonTweets

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

@sallyelegant

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

@ChoclairsIndia

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.